Mistakes and failures can be really painful to relive.  Though I am not a person who struggles with regret, I do tend to try to forget the past and move on.  The past inevitably has other plans, popping up on the movie screen of my mind and bringing with it the torrent of emotions that are all tied up in reliving it.

The key, it would seem, is to learn how to stand back and watch that movie objectively.  To see the events as they unfolded and to take responsibility for the part I played while understanding the point of view of the other players.

One of the major failings of my past has been lack of both consistency and persistence.  I have spent a lot of time considering this and building up those traits for my future plans but as an opportunity rooted in my past presents itself I am forced to confront an epic past failure of mine – my failed startup.

I had great ideas, many people believed in the pictures I painted and I succeeded in accessing incubator funding.  The problems really arose when it became clear that I had no consistency of those ideas.  I was flowing like a river from mentor to mentor, my vision would mould itself around the rocks of their great advice until by the end, I was not sure of who I even was anymore.

It was the most exciting time of my life.  There is nothing like the excitement of creation and believing that you can make a difference.  I discovered superpowers that I never knew I had however, I also had to confront personality flaws such as being an ineffective leader, indecisiveness and lack of confidence in myself.  The net balance was thankfully positive, I learned more then I lost and the lessons brought me to my current course of self awareness and growth.

This morning, I am writing this before the meeting.  The meeting that could take me back into the world of startups, insecurity and boundless optimism.  I know I have the skills and experience to succeed but probably more importantly, the awareness to self correct.

Though the movie of my past experiences is playing large and loud generating fear – my instinct is that perhaps I need to go backwards to go forward.

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